Anger
Does Anger
Toward an Alzheimer’s Patient
Compromise Care Giving Abilities
Prolonged or recurrent anger likely suggests you need help as an Alzheimer’s Caregiver. Anger is dangerous in that it might well inhibit a Caregiver’s ability, even his or her willingness to love. Alzheimer’s Caregivers must be vigilant in order to identify areas of concern in order to thwart what might be the approaching complicity of anger.
You already have enough to do without inviting anger as your help mate.
Do not ask me to remember.
Don’t try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you’re with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
I’m confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.
Do not lose your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can’t help the way I’m acting,
Can’t be different though I try.
Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don’t fail to stand beside me,
Love me til my life is done.
Author Unknown
From Coach Frank Broyles
‘Playbook For Alzheimers Caregivers‘
Friend, down deep, do you know if you hold unresolved anger, disappointment, et al toward the Alzheimer’s victim? Or, do you have a history with anyone that includes * unwarranted * and still ongoing… anger difficulties? Or, perhaps you are an excessively domineering person who believes things like, ‘It’s my way or the highway’? With respect to either of these three questions or related ones your brain might now bring to mind, if the answer is yes, it is most probably unwise for you to persist in your desire to become a Caregiver. Particularly for someone dear to you that you still hold resentment toward.
Yes, I understand you may not have a choice in the matter. If that is so… then for your sake as well as the Alzheimer’s Victim’s sake it is extremely important you resolve to become very diligent in laying those ill issues to rest. Friend, there is no debate about it… you MUST do so!
If at the height of an honest self appraisal you know that for any reason you… tend to be …an angry person or, you could fairly easily become provoked toward anger… then don’t become a Caregiver! If you know deep in your heart that given certain circumstances or the remembrances of certain people or activities you… tend to gravitate …toward confrontation, even hidden internal confrontation… don’t become a caregiver! If you have a propensity to become caught up in * unwarranted * anger for any reason, then… avoid becoming a caregiver.
If any of the above or anything similar applies, fulfilling the responsibilities of being a Caregiver for someone who will without question become… increasingly dependent …upon you is absolutely not the vocation, avocation, extension or ‘proof’ of love you should strive to fulfill. Period.
The reason is that due to the reality of the disease’s progression, the victim will become increasingly incoherent, adamant to the point that for any number of reasons he or she will brazenly defy you and sometimes, become viciously argumentative. You have to have a propensity to remain level headed, not a propensity toward frustration or anger.
After all, friend, is it your goal to become A Hindrance or a Help? For your sake as well as the Victim’s, you must resolve your personal difficulties… first.
*UNWARRANTED *: The idea is that there surely are some things in this world that at least initially ‘warrant’ a person’s right toward anger. However, do not confuse the term, ‘unwarranted’ as it is applied above. The fact the Alzheimer’s Victim is not thinking right and therefore not accepting your words or instruction well… and your words, actions, et al are ultimately for their benefit, does not constitute your having a right toward anger. In other words, their inability to think properly does not ‘warrant’ your right to become or remain angry at them because you are doing what is best for them.
Friend, though your love is true and everything in you might be willing, are you nonetheless able to both mentally and emotionally guard your responses? Guard them sufficiently well enough to continue to provide progressively enhanced care to your loved one? Even in spite of their repetitive abrasiveness toward you relative to the health giving, life giving promotions you are trying to accomplish?
For example, two very well documented positions of life a digressing Alzheimer’s Victim will gravitate toward are their predisposition to avoid eating and taking medication. Which, of course, are two of the most important things they need to do in order to slow their mental and physical decline as well as their coming death.
As a Caregiver, especially if the victim is your Mom, Dad, Wife or Husband, their unwillingness to adhere to such vital life giving things can easily tend to bring about in you a considerable degree of frustration, if not outright anger. That’s natural! You don’t want their Alzheimer’s to get a greater grip, nor do you want your loved one to suffer and die.
Even though the base motivation of your anger is love, i.e. your desire they don’t mentally and physically decline at any faster rate than they are already progressing, you open the proverbial ‘can of worms’ if your anger overtakes you and becomes your driving force. It’s surprising how quickly your mind, emotions, actions and even your physical body can quite literally be taken over and in a very real way at least momentarily ‘run’ by anger. As the ‘driving force’, your responsive, even unwilling anger can indeed very quickly replace love as the immediate instrument employed toward accomplishing your goal. Be on guard. Be careful.
The idea is to, ‘not let the sun go down on your wrath’. But really though, try to the best of your ability to avoid letting even a few moments pass in anger. Both you and your loved one will be the better for it.
The short version on how to accomplish that sometimes monumental task is to stop, count to ten, reaffirm who is your Beacon and once again begin the task before you. As you are doubtlessly aware though, unfortunately, the short version doesn’t always quickly work. But as if you could take heart in such a thing… as is typified by increasing troubles throughout the planet, the long version doesn’t necessarily work, either. What, then?
Friend, exert a great amount of effort toward remaining calm. During the normal course of life… after awhile, things often do begin to once again work as they should. And usually fairly soon. Below are a few suggestions you may wish to employ:
1)… With respect to the food and medicine intake difficulties, noted above… Most of the time when Mom is unusually abrasive, it’s due to a lack of rest. Rest, not sleep. Sometimes she’ll sleep for over twelve hours. I’ll get her up, give her a bath, get her dressed and then provide her apple sauce in which I’ve placed Mom’s, ‘Brain Sustain‘ along with a few other crushed vitamins and minerals. Also, I’ll serve what she knows as her strawberry ‘milk shake’, which is a glass of Ensure. It’s in that moment things can quickly change. Sometimes she will adamantly refuse to eat her apply sauce, her milk shake and also refuse to take any other obviously dealt medication prescribed by her doctor.
I then have a choice to make. I can get angry and ‘fight’ her in order to accomplish the task of her receiving nutrition and medication. After all, my underlying motivation is that I want to not only keep her around for as long as is possible, but I want her to be relatively healthy while here.
Unfortunately though, the ‘fight’ tactic I enjoin with her doesn’t usually work. But if I can keep my wits about me, the better route almost always, does work! Though there is a time delay involved. Even after 12 hours of sleep, I simply put her back to bed for more rest. Well, not necessarily ‘simply’. Sometimes putting her to bed requires some degree of discipline. Almost invariably though, when she again arises a couple or more hours distant she is famished and will therefore usually eat her food and take her medication without argument. (Forgetting, of course, that she was up before and had to go back to bed because she didn’t follow the doctor’s ‘orders’.)
2)… Be aware that going back to bed is not the only solution. Sometimes a ‘carrot’ works. Hurry and eat, Mom. We need to go to the store. I can’t do dishes until you’re done. Let’s take a walk. Let’s take a drive. Etc. I’ve tried them all.
3)… Caregiver, throughout a good part of the disease you must maintain constant vigil always noting that excessive levels of frustration or even outright anger can very, very subtly come upon you… sometimes even catching you completely unaware. It has been my experience that almost always, such occurs due to lack of ‘Respite‘.
Friend, contemplate the possibility that a growing tendency toward developing a frustrated or angry state of mind could arise without you really realizing it… because you’ve neared or have from a mental, emotional and/or physical perspective, become almost entirely drained.
As a logical result, your ability to efficiently manage or even deal satisfactorily with the demanding day to day requirements of proper care giving… can’t help but diminish. Especially if you’ve been at it pretty much alone.
When you begin to realize the validity of the impact that lack of Respite has upon you, immediately take steps to inhibit its ability to further gain a progressively significant hold upon you. Friend, do whatever it is you must do in order to gain respite of some type that it may help put you back into a position within which you might provide continuing proper care for your loved one.
With that goal in mind, I again encourage you to review, ‘Respite‘.
HINT: You may now wish to view…
‘Respite‘
A fun way to recurrently renew yourself…
